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There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"