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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!