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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.