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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
My Memory.....The Second shortest thing I have.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
We have cars that park themselves but I still gotta wave my hand 15 times before a paper towel comes out the dispenser
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Campers: Nature`s way of feeding mosquitoes.