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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I commend any woman for going into labor outside a hospital setting. If I have to poop anywhere besides my own bathroom I go into panic mode
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
If Jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, then why the heck is there a song about it?
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.