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That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face