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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.