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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
The best things in life require no pants.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.