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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
The covers of this book are too far apart.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.