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I`m sorry I slapped you. It`s just you seemed like you weren`t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
Just got rid of 150lbs of ugly fat ... Got divorced.