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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
So, basically Alexa is just some know-it-all with no actual job skills.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball