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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
only fights if pillows are present.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."