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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Here`s $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
This status is mine....I licked it.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.