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Share this if you are weird and don`t care
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late