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I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Just give me coffee and no one gets hurt.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
99% of people are stupid. Luckily, I`m part of the other 3%.
Due to Global Warming Santa will be giving out Solar Panels to all the naughty kids this year!
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.