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I drink to make other people interesting
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"