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I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times. Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic