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Haters are my motivators(:
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
I forgot to post this earlier
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
My memory foam has amnesia
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.