Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Started a new exercise routine yesterday. So far I`ve only missed one day.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.