Daily Silly Status

Partying on my level requires years of training.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb

You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)

Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.

OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.

I wish common sense was more common.

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.

I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.

I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.

My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too

If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?

You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.

I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.