Daily Silly Status

I worry about what my rubber ducky thinks about me when I`m naked 0.0

Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.

I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."

I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close

Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....

Honk if you wanna see the finger

You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?

I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..

I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks