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My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I’m tired of things costing money.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.