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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
It`s too bad parallel lines never meet because they have so much in common.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
I`m not perfect. But I am better than you.