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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...