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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Be careful who you call friends. I`d rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…