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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I don`t get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There`s never any left when he comes home.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
"My place is a mess" - Every girl, ever.... "Well in that case, I`m not coming in" - No guy, ever
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.