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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
Iām eating for two ā me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
If you`re going to be a smartass, you must first be smart. Otherwise, you`re just an ass.
There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Really don`t see the need for pants for the rest of this day. :)
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on