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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.