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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
If I could just make one thing very clear at this point ... I would.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Right before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
I had your cake and ate it too.