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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
I hide from people too, so I get it bigfoot, I get it.
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
My kids will be mad at me when they discover it isn’t illegal to talk in the car while I’m driving.
I need a better plan of action when my phone rings than throwing it.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.