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+ if you wish you could record your dreams.
Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.