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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
My life coach just benched me.
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I really hope my spirit animal is a bear because well I would love to hibernate all winter.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?