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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
Your just jealous because u don`t hear the voices.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
This year, I`m thankful for all the people that included me in their mass texts wishing me a "Happy Thanksgiving," now I know which numbers to block when Christmas comes around.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.