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eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
I`m not saying we should kill all the incompetent people. I`m simply suggesting we remove all the warning labels and let the problem sort itself out.
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.