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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
Soup of the day: Tequila.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid...
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
"I`ve had so much coffee, I got halfway to work and realized I forgot my car."
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.