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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Shout-out to nature for not giving wings to snakes
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!