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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.