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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.