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I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.