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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
The 5 second rule for food dropped on the ground does not work if you have a 2 second dog.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.