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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
You can`t fight Destiny. Because if you try to fight Destiny, then you have to fight the bouncers and the rest of the strippers too...
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
People like you are the reason people like me take pills.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.