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My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.