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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you`re donating blood...
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.