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We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Is everything expensive or am I just poor?
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
“Star Wars” fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new “Star Wars” movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.