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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.