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Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life