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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........
How do you expect kids to listen to their parents when Tarzan lives half naked, Cinderella comes home at midnight, Pinocchio lies all the time, Alladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives at 200 mph, Sleeping Beauty is lazy, and Snow White lives with 7 guys. We shouldn’t be surprised when they misbehave, they get it from their storybooks!