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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn`t make me excited, pull the plug.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.