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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
I`m having an out of money experience.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.