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I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Lying in bed, listening to the Doors. I really should oil the hinges...
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
As your best friend, I swear to always pretend to be your lesbian lover when you are getting hit on by an ulgy ass hole in a bar.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I’m positive I will have no interest in what you’re about to say.
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.