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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
Spiderman`s Spidey sense is just really spot on anxiety.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?