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Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Your boyfriend has long hair too. I sometimes have trouble figuring out who the girl is in the relationship.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Don`t waste my timeline.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...