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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
I felt really mischievous earlier so I bought a McDonalds and ate it at a KFC
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.