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BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
Hope you don`t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.