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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
Bored, so Iām going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him Iām him from the future.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?