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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I`m kind of clueless about pop culture. I thought "Hogwarts" was an STD
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I`m not insulting you, I`m describing you.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
My phone is covered in cupcake frosting and dried ice cream, in case you were wondering how my life is going.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.