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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
What idiot called it a driver`s test and not a Game of Cones?
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
Why don`t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up, they would be your fed ex.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you