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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
Dear future boyfriend/girlfriend, where the hell are you?
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?