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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.