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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
I spend so much time on the internet, that the priest pronounced us husband and wi-fi.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
The best revenge is to kidnap your enemy, tie him up, then pop bubble wrap in front of him and make him watch.
Depression is wanting to lay down and realizing that you are already laying down.
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.