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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.