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In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.