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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
FACT: The higher pitched my "hey!" the greater the chance I don`t remember who you are.
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."