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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Is it "poon tang", or "poontang"? I`m trying to update my Christian Mingle profile.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Does the employee manual say I CAN`T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.