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So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Just told my dog "Don`t walk in your own poop" and it strikes me as good advice to pass on to the rest of you as well. Please: don`t.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation Iām having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)