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My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.