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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.