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My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I just responded to a text message with: I can`t hear you, you`re breaking up.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.