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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you`re gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Being normal is boring.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.