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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
My friend wants to know if you think I’m hot.
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!