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Do you ever think that if it weren`t for someone smoking Marijuana they might of killed you already. . .
So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
I make way more decisions than I should based on the battery life of my phone.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.