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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
If you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I am upping my standards.. so up yours!
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.