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Never assume coz u wil make an "ass" out of "u" and "me"
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Beer is like sex. When it’s good it’s good…when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
So I turned my phone onto " airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst transformer ever!
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!