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2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The first sign of laziness:
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
I just threw up my weekend.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.